I have not always been a Christian. I didn’t even know what ‘saved’ meant until I was in my 20’s. Until then I thought going to church was just another activity people did like golf or bowling or something.

Now that I have a relationship with God I experience things in life differently than I did when I wasn’t a Christian. The stages of grief are a good example. Typically they are; denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

When I was in high school my best friend was killed in a car accident. I remember clearly going through all of those stages. What I find interesting now, although it didn’t seem unnatural then, is that I was ‘bargaining’ with God…someone I didn’t believe existed. Then I was also angry at that very same God.

When my Dad died I was a Christian. I still did the denial (he will get better) but there was no bargaining. I trusted God. And there was no anger. Hard to be angry if you trust God. There was a moment of anger towards a Doctor who did something careless…but it was not the raging anger against ’unfairness’ I had experienced before knowing God.

It is the same now with Vaquero. The stage of denial, hope maybe, thinking it wasn’t really that bad. No bargaining. No anger. Yes on the depression with and a creeping level of acceptance. It is almost as if I am a dried out sponge trying to absorb the fact he is gone.

Is this part of the meaning behind 1 Corinthians 15:54-56?

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

My husband has perfect timing.

As we drove home from Kentucky with an empty horse trailer he reminded me that we still have Vaquero with us in a way. Standing in our pasture are some reminders of him. You see Vaquero’s mom was Can Can Lena who was out of a mare named Can Can Dyna. His name was TSW Can Can Vaquero.

We decided to keep the ‘Can Can’ in the names but in a slightly different way. So some of his foals include:

I Think I Can Can

I Can Can You

I Know I Can Can

Vaquero has eight foals that carry on his name. When the time comes to ride them my wish is that they will remind me of their dad….at least I hope they can can:)

For over 30 years I have owned horses. For a good part of that time I have trained them as a profession. In that time I have not experienced the death of a horse often. My first horse, pony actually, was 16 when I got her. She died at 32 and it was not unexpected at her age.

Then I got off pretty easy until the last five months. Two years ago we did have a foal die. It was hard with such a young promising life but again I realized that with the number of horses I have owned, trained and loved I should be prepared for things like this.

But the last five months have been crushing. In December my first horse, Bay, who again was 30 years old (so it was not sudden and unexpected) had to be put down.

And then in February, Roxy. I know I didn’t own her but we did have a special relationship. It was sudden and shocking.

And now Vaquero. I walked into the vet clinic guessing I would not have a show horse anymore but also thinking he would easily be a pasture pet for the rest of his life. Now his stall is empty. Roxy wasn’t here with me when she died. She had been at Greg’s house for a couple of years so although I was shocked there was no empty stall.

There is an empty stall now.

Misty and Bay were old and it was expected and both were at my moms

house. Roxy was shocking and her stall was at Greg’s.

If I didn’t already have horses, like Popcorn, that I have a relationship with I don’t think I would even go to the barn.

I know many of you out there know what I am talking about. I know others have felt this loss and had to look at the empty stall. That also tells me that you understand how hard the last 5 months have been. Thank you for supporting me and putting up with my sad blog posts:(

Thank you Maria for sharing this:

I’ll lend you for a little while my grandest foal, He said.
for you to love while he’s alive and mourn when he is dead.
It may be one or twenty years, or days or months, you see,
but will you, till I take him back, take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
you’ll have treasured memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught on earth I want this foal to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, with trust, I’ve chosen you.
Now will you give him total love, not think the labor vain,
nor hate me when I come here to take him back again?
I know you’ll give him tenderness and love will bloom each day,
and for the happiness you’ve known, forever grateful stay
But should I come and call for him much sooner than you’d planned,
you’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and someday, understand.

I read a quote once that went something like this:  “Life is not fair. Once you accept that- you will appreciate the good times when they are here.”

I will remember Vaquero like this:

This is a picture of his neck x-ray. If you follow the line that runs through the bones –that is his spinal column. If you look from the right side of the photo and move left you will see a bony finger that sticks into the spinal column. It is a bony, arthritic growth that sometimes happens in horses and is considered a growth defect. Not caused by injury, etc. just the way he grew.

 

 

 

 

 

A couple of years ago we decided to geld Vaquero. We made that decision for HIM.  As a stallion he spent his life alone and couldn’t be turned out with friends (he drove them crazy).  So we gelded him even though we knew he would go on and win.  And he did go on and win. He was shown three times bridleless and was undefeated. And by gelding him we lost the money we could have made. And I never regretted it because he got to play with his friends like in this video:

 

This decision was even harder than that one but again we know it was for HIS best.

Vaquero May 18, 2005 to May 7, 2012

 

Vaquero is now back at Rood and Riddle (http://www.roodandriddle.com) and Monday morning he will be undergoing more testing. He has already be tested for the following:

• Blood work clean-ruling out poisons, toxic plants, toxic bugs, bites, etc
• Spinal tap clean-ruling out EPM (he was never treated for it as someone asked)
• Tested for viruses-tests came back clean

The current though based on my first trip down is that the arthritis is causing a pinching of the spinal cord. This would make him a wobbler of sorts. It fits that the steroids, when they are used, reduce the swelling which reduces the symptoms. When I was down the first time his symptoms were much less severe and it was decided to start with rest for a month as he had done nothing but improve (and wasn’t nearly this bad). The next step if he didn’t get better, or if he got worse, was to perform a myelogram where they inject dye into his spinal column and then can see more clearly what is happening, if it is pinching, how much it is pinching and how much damage it has caused. (they do this test in people, anyone out there had one? http://www.asnr.org/patientinfo/procedures/myelography.html)

It is also the info they need to decide if he is a candidate for surgery. If they do surgery he will likely have a ‘Seattle Slew’ implant named after the famous race horse that also had the surgery.

Although some tests, like Lyme, are not back yet we will likely proceed with the myelogram to get a better picture of what is going on in the suspicious part of his neck. Please pray we get accurate results and that it is treatable.